When I went to the clinic last Thursday, they said, “You can stop taking this one and start taking the new one. They are a direct switch.” I was stoked. Switching a harmful atypical antipsychotic to a helpful one — without titrating down?! Simply unheard of for me.
In the middle of Thursday night, I realized I hadn’t slept at all, my muscles felt swollen, and I needed to pee. I got up. I barely made it the seven feet to the bathroom before I laid on the floor. Was it cold? I was, so I’m not sure.
The first night of this absolute hell, I jokingly said to my partner, “Can you believe that I’m approaching five years clean and now is when you get to see me in withdrawal?” Funny, not funny, am I right?
I’ve been here before, withdrawing from a medication I had to stop due to side effects harming my body, mind, and life. It wasn’t like this though. It didn’t feel like a slowly impending death, like my survival was in limbo and nothing could help except for this stupid thing we call time. It’s a social construct; don’t get me started.
What’s happened since involves taking one of the pills with dinner, rather than the two a day I had taken before. The first one is replaced with the new med. And it’s gone something like this…
My mind feels bruised and sweaty, the cold sweats keep coming. I wake up half-sedated with the thought that this will never end. So far, I'm right. It hasn't ended. Maybe it's just begun. The dark cloak of sedation all day long, the throat-clenching depression that ruled me for weeks, the irritability from those tortures is gone but at what cost? Upright I'm straight down in the depths of nausea, vomit in my mouth, holding it all down for just long enough to keep my meds in my system is wrecked. This system is wrecked. But what now? I have to take it. They wouldn't like me any other way.
I had planned to write more. To share more. But y’all, I’ve been sitting for too long (23 minutes), and I need to lay down now. Grateful to know you, to know you read this and didn’t send “medical advice” as you’re not on my care team. Grateful to know that still… we are who we have.
PS I am so serious. Do not send “advice.” You don’t even know what meds I take.