In the last eight years, I’ve been in hundreds of therapy sessions. Some of them I just sat through. In others, I fully participated. I cried, I laughed, and I expressed anger. The participation really started with Nikki, my therapist who died five years ago. On March 23, 2019, the world lost her quick-witted humor, her shameless stories about her brothers annoying her (and loving her), and her passion for boundary setting.
That last part — it hasn’t been lost with me.
When Nikki died, I still had the Tips for Healthy Boundaries sheet from one of the last times I saw her. It was a session that I had to drive to the next town for, because the scheduling got messed up between her two offices. It was one of the last. I kept that tip sheet taped to my wall for two years, in two different homes. The physical reminder helped me rewire my mind in the ways that she encouraged me to. I didn’t have to give every person every thing they asked for, especially when I didn’t want to / I was uncomfortable / I said no.
So folks, let’s talk about it: setting boundaries.
Know your limits. Know your values. Listen to your emotions. Have self-respect. Have respect for others. Be assertive. Consider the long view. Every piece of setting boundaries connects with all the others. Every boundary set is important, and every time the boundary is pushed, it is important to stay strong.
When I sat down to write this piece, I thought I knew exactly what I would say. I intended to share a few specific thoughts with some stories of them being present in my life. And then I started writing. It turns out that talking about boundaries is almost as difficult as setting and enforcing them. Alas, I’m committed. I’m staying strong.
One of the first boundaries I learned to set changed my life intensely. All boundaries have. Yet that first one? It sticks with me still.
I stopped sending money to relatives, because I let go of the idea that I needed to take care of them. I let go of the idea that I was responsible for others who weren’t trying to take care of themselves without my contributions. I focused on me.
That boundary led me to starting and building my first savings account. I was able to pay off my credit card in full every month. My credit score climbed into the 800s. I could take trips by myself and with friends. I could buy any foods I wanted when I went grocery shopping, and I could say yes to spending evenings with friends enjoying delicious meals.
I set my limits. I found and followed my values. All of the tips mentioned above? I put them in action, and I felt safe. I felt love for myself.
In the years since, I have set so many boundaries. With doctors who only want to know, “are you pregnant?” or, “is it just your anxiety?” when I’m having heart attack symptoms in the ER. With friends who solely focus on negativity without pushing for change. With employers who threatened me. With people who don’t believe my trauma and now have no right to talk about it.
Boundary setting has helped me heal.
Just last week, I read something along the lines of, “We aren’t healing to live with our trauma. We are healing to live with joy.” And that — that is why I set boundaries.
Two of the tips are about self-respect and respect for others. For the longest time, I didn’t fully understand how those two aligned with each other and with a boundary. But now? I get it.
Setting boundaries sets opportunities for better relationships. When I set a boundary, it’s not self-seeking. It’s to support how I interact with folks in a way that supports each of us and both of us. It’s to show that, at all times, I appreciate that we are who we have.